


Intelligenti Pauca

by kaikoanoa



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Abuse, Comedy, Drama, Existentialism, F/M, M/M, Mild recreational drug use, Mostly Canon Compliant, Psychological, Psychological Drama, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:35:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23757739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaikoanoa/pseuds/kaikoanoa
Summary: A dive into the psyche of Red vs. Blue soldiers, Dexter Grif and Dick Simmons through their private moments, moments they wish had been private, and moments they wish they could bleach from their brains. And... some not so bad moments.
Relationships: Dexter Grif/Dick Simmons
Comments: 1
Kudos: 16





	Intelligenti Pauca

**Author's Note:**

> First off, a huge colossal thank you the Janana, the resident Grif expert. Without them, Intelligenti Pauca would have remained a dream. Another big thank you to the support of the discord server and for keeping me sane during this quarantine. I'd like to thank @relationshipcrimes and their Grimmons fic, QED, for inspiring me to get back into writing and for being the best damn thing I've ever read.  
> A bit of a disclaimer. This is essentially a character analysis fic. And these characters are not the prime example of a healthy person. Please read with discretion. Also, every chapter title is an episode title cause why not? (The title used to be Semper Idem)  
> I'm Kaia! @kaikoanoa on Tumblr.  
> Enjoy :^)

**2547, Massachusetts**

Ricky was a fucking idiot. 

What the fuck was his problem? Why couldn’t he just _not_ be at rock bottom every moment of his goddamn life? He already looked like a problematic white kid. Why did he perpetuate the stereotype by acting like it? He groaned, put his head in his hands, forgetting his swollen eye, and gasped in pain. “God, what the fuck is wrong with me?” He murmured to himself. He didn’t know. He didn’t know anything. _Clearly_. 

As he walked, Ricky thought. He always thought. He wished, for once, he could _not_ think. He felt his shoulders droop. Oh, to be asleep.

His heart rate picked up as he rounded the street corner and his house came into view. He took a deep breath and gently tugged his baseball cap lower on his face. Logically, there was no way he was going to be able to hide the black eye from his parents until it healed so he might as well face them now and get it over with. He just really… _really_ didn’t want to. Ricky already felt like shit.

He took a detour and went through the side gate to his backyard. He climbed up the wooden fence and onto the overhanging roof and clambered to his bedroom. He tried to crawl through but his spindly leg caught on the frame and he fell on his back on the carpet inside. Of course.

“Ricky?” He heard his mom call followed by footsteps making their way upstairs and he groaned. He felt his chest tighten with dread and his parents burst in and he sat up.

“Did you climb through the window? Why di—” His mom cut herself off with a gasp at the sight of his eye. All of this was happening too fast.

His dad squinted down at him. “Take off the hat.”

He obeyed. Like a goddamn dog.

“What the hell happened, Richard?” He demanded. 

“Nothing.” Ricky lied stupidly. It was still better than telling them the real reason: some girl in Robotics Club asked to use his phone and found her older sister’s nudes that he'd bought. He cringed shamefully. Will he ever make a single choice in his life that he won’t regret? Unlikely. 

“Nothing. You’re an idiot, Richard.”

Ricky almost laughed. “I know.”

“Who hit you?”

“Someone in Robotics—”

“Robotics?” His dad interrupted incredulously. “Are you kidding me?” Oh man, if only he told him it was a girl, too!

Ricky tried to defend himself but stammered his way through it. “You can enjoy science and not be some... some weak loser.”

“So you chose to be one anyway.”

He wanted to scream but then wondered how he’d dare assume for a second that any sound argument would deter his father’s criticisms.

He had a lot to say, but he held his breath instead. He tended to do that and he fucking hated himself for it but the only thing more unlikely than Ricky speaking his mind was Ricky ever learning how to not be terrible.

“Say it, Richard. For once in your goddamn life—God, you are so _fragile._ ”

Like a baby bird.

“Why do you say these things to me?” Ricky could only whimper, which didn’t help his case. His head was beginning to hurt.

“I thought I got a son. Not a twink.”

“I’m not gay.” He said quietly. It was stupid but it was the only thing he could defend. He was a weak, skinny loser and there was no denying that but a guess of his sexuality was just speculation. However, Ricky was starting to think it doesn’t help either way. 

He thought he’d prepared himself on the walk home from school. The same thing always happened when he did something stupid. His dad would chew him out for a while then storm out and Ricky and his mom would cuddle under some blankets and watch movies on her laptop. Then his dad would grudgingly apologize the next morning as he was leaving for school.

He was not prepared for his father to grab him by the wrist and drag him downstairs to the guest coat closet and locked him inside. 

Ricky stood there in the dark silently with his forehead against the door. He felt his own shaking, hot breath on his nose as he listened to the other side of the door. What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck.

His parents screamed at each other. His mom crying, his dad slamming things down. Suddenly, their voices got closer. Ricky backed up to the wall and his dad appeared in the frame, his mom pulling at his shirt desperately. He lifted his hand and extended his corn snake and green tree python pets, Dorothy and Seahorse, toward him.

Ricky ducked around his hand and made a break for it but the door slammed in his face, hitting his forehead and knocking him back onto his butt, hanging above him on the metal rack, Dorothy and Seahorse. He screamed and backed himself into the door.

“Dad!” He begged, heavy tears filling his eyes fast. “Dad, please! I’m sorry! Pleas—” Seahorse fell from the rail and he shrieked and began to sob. His cries ripped through his throat and shook his body. He gasped for air as he stood up and fit himself into the corner. His eyes flicked between Seahorse at his feet and Dorothy slowly reaching herself toward his face. His mouth trembled as he continued to cry out.

“Shut up!” His dad pounded his fist on the door.

Ricky took a deep breath and tried to regulate his breathing, holding back sobs.

“What is the point of this?!” He heard his mother screaming over and over again.

“I deserve this.” He said to himself, hoping to… he didn’t fucking know. Desensitize himself. Ha, if only. “I’m fucking disgusting and I’m always going to be. I deserve to feel small and powerless. I’m an embarrassment, an irredeemable, twig who will never figure anything out. And that’s why these things happen to me.”

Dorothy lunged at his feet and he leaped to the other side of the space. Seahorse hissed. “Please Dorothy. I don’t want to step on you.”

He had an idea. With some brave use of his hands, he managed to unwrap Seahorse’s body from the rack and let him fall next to Dorothy on the carpet. Ricky then quickly pulled himself up to the shelf. He was too tall to sit in the space so he crawled and laid down on his side. His knees still hung way over the edge of the shelf but it was better than nothing. When the snakes tried slithering up the clothing rack, he just shook it a little and they would get off.

His life had really come to this. No surprise, honestly. 

Finally given a break to do so, Ricky tuned into his parents' argument. They were still outside the door. His dad was probably blocking her way. He cringed. He always hated when his dad did that.

“You are being so cruel! He’s fourteen! He is a child!”

“He’s _fourteen_ and he still _acts_ like a _child_! So, like children are meant to do, he’s learning a lesson.”

“You’re incorrigible.”

“Maybe you should leave the raising of our _son_ to a _man_. Clearly letting you take over has been a mistake.”

“Oh, fuck you, Patrick. Really? Which one of us was there for the first three years of his life?”

“ _Please_ , keep saying that like it’s actual leverage. I was fucking _deployed_ you _stupid bitch_!”

Ricky covered his ears and closed his eyes. His head was pounding and his eye was throbbing and his leg was falling asleep. He thought back to his math test that afternoon. 

_7x + 6x + 4 = -6x + 6x - 3_

_6 (x/3 + x/2) = 6 x 15_

_x + 3 (x + 2) + 2 (x + 4) = 68_

_2x - (24 - x) = -6_

He wished that’s all life was. Numbers, equations, formulas. That’s all that ever made any fucking sense anyway.  
  


* * *

**2547, Honolulu, Hawaii**

“Get your feet off the dash.”

“Suck it, Dex. This isn’t your car. You’re not even supposed to be driving.”

“I’m sorry, are you complaining that I’m driving you places?”

She didn’t answer.

“Eloquent.” He continued, eyeing her. “I’ll be sixteen in a couple months anyway. Hey and don’t act like this when we get there, Kai. I told them you were cool.”

“Thanks.” She said flatly, rolling her eyes.

“I’m serious, Kaikaina. If not to _not_ embarrass yourself, don’t make me the dick that brought his annoying little sister to the hangout.”

His friends were usually pretty tolerant but his sister could be unbelievably insufferable.

“Why don’t you just call it a party? You sound so stupid when you say that. _Hangout_ ?” She gagged dramatically. “ _Par-ty_.”

“Because it’s not one.” Dex said. God, she was being intransigent. “It’s my friend group hanging out in Lukas’ driveway. This is lowkey, everyone knows each other, actual good music is played. Not a party.”

Call it a party and she’d think it’s an opportunity to act coquettish and Dex did _not_ want to subject himself or his friends to that. 

“God, you’re such a loser.”

“Love you, too.”

You don’t always get what you want, do you?

Dex pulled into the neighborhood and parked down the block from Lukas’ house. Kaikaina practically phased through the car door and bolted down the street. He took out his phone and texted the group chat: _just in case, i’m sorry._

He sat in the silence of the car for a moment. He felt bad. He didn’t want to ruin the evening by forcing his friends to help him babysit but Kaikaina was impressionable. If she wasn’t with him, she’d be sneaking out of the house and getting mixed up with the wrong crowd. He’d rather have her crashing his skate-and-smoke sesh than lying about her age and ending up in a ditch somewhere.

Whatever, she was there now.

Dex grabbed his board from the trunk and skated over.

“—and then the elephant shit on Dex’s popcorn! He was crying for like, three days.”

Oh great, Kaikaina was already talking about Mom and the circus. Dex was sure that was _actually_ his younger sister’s favorite hobby. She does it at the drop of a hat and all. the. fucking. time.

He skated up to the group. “Hey guys.” He turned to his sister. “Kaikaina, talk about literally anything else.” He held up a finger. “Or better yet, just don’t talk about anything at all. Just shut up, Kaikaina.”

A few of his friends laughed. 

“You shut up!” Kaikaina yelled back.

“Hey Dex,” Jordan said and tossed him a strawberry soda from the cooler.

“Thanks. Are you guys still racing tonight?”

“Not yet.” Penelope answered.

“Where’s Ezra with the Oreos?”

“He had to stop to get gas.”

“Hey,” Juliet handed him a pen and patted the spot on the curb next to her. He sat down and took a few hits then laid on his back next to her, staring up at the oak tree branches above them.

These were his favorite kind of nights. He did his best to tune out his sister and focused on what he loved about these nights. He breathed in the sweet air and soaked it all in. The scrapes of skateboard wheels on asphalt, the laughter and chatter of his friends, the music from the little speaker, the trace smell of weed and In-N-Out Burger, the soft grass bent back beneath him, the aftertaste of a strawberry soda on his tongue.

And the warm presence with the ponytail to his immediate left, of course.

They talked and talked and the world around him faded. It was just him and Juliet, higher than Mauna Kea. Talking for what felt like hours. He hoped it’d last forever.

“Do you feel this ground below us?” She asked incredulously. “It’s so… perfect.”

He put his palm to the grass and nodded slowly. “The air is warm and the ground is cool.”

“Like a bed… but backwards.”

Dex burst into laughter. “What? A bed but backwards? What are you _talking_ about?”

Juliet covered her mouth in shock. “Oh my god. I sound like a freaking goofball. It made sense in my head. My brain.”

He only laughed harder and she joined in. 

“Dex, Juliet!” Fernanda’s voice interrupted. “You coming?”

“Ah, sorry,” He peeled his eyes away from Juliet and his brain did a backflip. “Woah. What are you guys doing?”

“Jasmine, Lukas, Angela, and Ezra are gonna race down the hill. We’re standing at the bottom to watch.”

He looked past her to see the friend group making their way down the street, pushing and laughing. Wow, how had he not noticed them all get up? Instinctively, he looked to Juliet. They locked eyes and Dex’s heart began to beat a little faster.

She turned to Fernanda with a grin. “Nah, we’re gonna stay here.”

“Oh, okay. OH. Okay.” Fernanda jogged off calling, “Hey everyone, walk as slow as you possibly can!”

“Please don’t let Kaikaina do anything stupid!” He called after her. He squinted and turned to Juliet. “I don’t think she heard me.” 

Juliet laughed and the two of them scooted further into the grass and leaned against the tree. Slowly coming off their high, they exchanged simple, quiet conversation, with little smiles and sparkling eyes. Their voices got softer and the silences began to stretch and soon Dex’s lips were on hers. His hand rested on the nape of her neck and his thumb brushed her cheek. Her hands on his chest snaked up and clasped behind his neck. 

His first kiss with his first girlfriend. This was way better than all those spin-the-bottle and truth or dare shenanigans from middle school.

He couldn’t help but smile against her lips.

“What?” She asked. Her eyes were so beautiful. He could watch them forever. The way they darted around, blurs of… _emerald_ and _gold_. So elegant. 

“What a good day.” He said stupidly and laughed at himself. Juliet stood up and Dex dizzily followed. She took his wrist and led him inside the side gate to Lukas’ backyard. He pressed her against the brick of the house and they continued to kiss. 

That, the evening breeze, the quiet tunes from the speaker. Dex prayed to no deity in particular that this moment would last forever. Juliet takes his hand with her and guides it down toward her shorts. Dex took it back; he wanted whatever moment that was about to happen to last forever. 

“Is this okay?” She asked and he managed to choke out a quiet confirmation. He unbuttoned and unzipped. His mind was a buzz. All he could feel was the drum of his heart in his chest and the hot skin at his fumbling fingertips.

His hand yanked back and he folded it against his chest. “Juliet, what—” He looked down and back up. “I… what. What is happening?”

Juliet moved away from him, shrinking into herself. She hunched her shoulders and crossed her arms over her belly. No, no, no! “I thought you were cool, Dex.”

“I am! I... just—I didn’t—” He stopped himself and took a deep breath. “Juliet, I’m gonna be honest. I have no idea what’s happening right now. All I know is that I definitely felt a di—”

“I’m _intersex_ , asshole.”

“How was I supposed to know that?” 

“I thought someone would have mentioned it or something? I don’t know! It doesn’t matter, I’m going home.” She hurried through the gate and ran down the driveway.

“Wait! Juliet!” He went after her.

“Leave me the hell alone!”

“I was just surprised! Please, come back!” Dex called after her but she grabbed her bike and pedaled off. He watched her disappear around the corner and he groaned.

He was telling the truth. He was just surprised. Really.

He pulled his phone from his pocket.

_juliet, i am so sorry |_

He stopped himself; he didn’t want to do this over text. He’d show her.


End file.
